Current outside temperature in Austin: 103
Number of days it will remain this temperature in Austin: 103
Number of days since the upstairs A/C went out: 1/2
Amount of swear words uttered since the upstairs A/C went out: 50
Amount of swear words uttered that began with the word “mutha”: 50
Number of times the A/C repairman was called: 6
Number of times the A/C repairman’s secretary told us to “Keep your pants on, hon”: 2
Number of times we told the A/C repairman’s secretary to “Keep your own damn pants on, hon”: 7
Hours until the mythical A/C repairman will arrive at our house: 24
Hours until we all go insane and maim each other with sharpened Popsicle sticks: 1
Current downstairs temperature: 75
Current upstairs temperature: 95
Odds that a cloud will form on the landing where the cold air and hot air meet: 1 in 100
Odds that I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about regarding how clouds form: 1 in 1
Number of little boys who now need to sleep on the downstairs hide-a-bed: 2
Number of times little boys on the hide-a-bed will scream, “He’s touching my butt!”: 32
Number of times the little boys’ dad will scream, “Mommy’s touching MY butt!”: 1
Number of minutes mommy will glare at daddy for making this inappropriate comment: 3
Bottles of wine needed to get through The A/C Incident of 2009: 2
Bottles of wine currently in the house: 0
Average speed car will be driven to the liquor store to remedy this problem: 76 mph
Total amount of fine on speeding ticket received for the liquor store flyby: $102.00
Chances that we are all now strongly considering a move to North Dakota: 100%
(And for one more math problem, go see Heather.)
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June 25th, 2009
7287pwkr
(I just got back from vacation and haven’t had time to write, so here’s one of my favorite posts from last year.)
——
IT’S THE 2008 SWIMSUIT BUYING GUIDE!
1. First, what kind of suit are you looking for?
a) One-piece
b) Two-piece
c) As many damn pieces as I can possibly cram on and still be buoyant.
2. Which style of swimsuit do you like best?
a) Bikini
b) Tankini
c) 1920’s head-to-toe bathing costume made out of wool-ini
3. What shape best describes your body?
a) A Pear
b) An Apple
c) A value-sized mixed fruit tray from Costco
4. Would you say your bust is:
a) Large
b) Small
c) Something resembling a couple of lazy-ass sock puppets on holiday
5. Your lower body can best be described as:
a) Slim and boyish
b) Curvy and rounded
c) Damn, guuurrllll, you sure got you a Badonka Donka Donk.
6. What type of swimwear coverage do you prefer?
a) A Little
b) A Lot
c) A Hyberbolic Chamber
7. Do you need tummy control?
a) Does Laverne need Shirley?
8. When trying on swimsuits, do you prefer a dressing room with:
a) A full-length mirror and bright, fluorescent lighting
b) A small, cracked mirror and flickering, feeble candlelight
c) A bottle of Jack, a box of Kleenex and Jenny Craig on speed-dial
9. Which activity do you plan on doing most often in your swimwear?
a) Swimming
b) Laying out
c) Slamming six-packs of wine coolers and thinking evil thoughts about the 21 year-old in a tiny bikini who’s lying right next to me and just so totally flaunting it, the nasty, little wench
10. Finally, how much would you like to pay for your new swimsuit?
a) $30.00
b) $50.00
c) If it makes me look like a size-4, I’ll give you my Volvo, my 401K and my wedding ring, no questions asked.
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June 23rd, 2009
7287pwkr
I recently read somewhere that some people think it’s a good idea to “write your blog like nobody’s reading.” Which, of course, is a sentiment akin to “dance like nobody’s watching.” It’s also very similar to my own personal credos of “steal sweaters from The Gap like nobody’s videotaping,” and “gorge yourself on funnel cakes like nobody’s going to call you a fatass carnival skank afterwards.” Ah, philosophy.
So with that idea in mind, today I’ve decided to write down a few things I’ve been keeping under wraps. Things that may be shocking, alarming or just downright disgusting. But that’s OK. After all, nobody’s reading this anyway.
1. When I was 17, I threw up in a department store dressing room, then told the manager the stock boy did it.
2. I once stole office supplies from a temp job and later sold them at my neighborhood yard sale for quite a tidy profit.
3. Although I repeatedly told Jessica Tomkins that I wasn’t the one who started the vicious junior high school rumor that she went bra and underwear shopping with our PE teacher, I really was the one who started that vicious junior high school rumor.
4. I have an ongoing fantasy about winning the Powerball lottery and buying Johnny Depp.
5. Sometimes I call my cat “Margaret Thatcher,” even though I don’t think she’s British and she probably has no political experience.
6. Whenever I feel nauseous and want to make myself throw up, I imagine having to do a three-way with Billy Mays and the ShamWow guy.
7. Last year I told my kids that the Department of Health closed down all of the Chuck E. Cheeses in Austin and they won’t open back up until all the snakes are gone.
8. When I worked in advertising, I used to send fake, obnoxious e-mails about N’SYNC from my co-workers’ computers when they were away from their desks. Then I blamed it on the IT guy.
9. Last week I told my neighbor that I can’t watch her dog because I’m allergic to it, but really I just hate her dog because it’s a rabid leg humper with weird demon eyes.
10. Sometimes I cry when I watch Tom Cruise’s new movies because I’m sad he’s no longer a sweet, naive boy who only wants to fly fighter jets and hang out with Goose. Oh, Maverick. Where have you gone, my friend?
So that’s it. Man, it feels good to get all of that finally out into the open. Cathartic! And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m headed to the kitchen to get a drink and a snack. And then I think I might spend spend the rest of the day “cooking like nobody’s going to get food poisoning.”
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June 12th, 2009
7287pwkr
1. Fight Club
2. Anger Management
3. Mean Girls
4. A Woman Under The Influence
5. Touch of Evil
6. Super Size Me
7. Misery
8. Chocolat
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June 8th, 2009
7287pwkr
A few weeks ago, one of the funniest writers I’ve ever read, Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, author of Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay and Naptime is the New Happy Hour, asked me if I’d like to contribute to her new reality show blog. It took me about a half a second to say “Uh, duh. What do you think?”
Each week, Stefanie and the also very funny Lulu and Moxley’s Mom, give their snarky critiques on genius TV shows like Kate and Kate and The Bachlorette. And, after a very brief flirtation with Isaac Mizrahi’s no-fun fashion show, I’m now writing very bitter recaps of the trainwreck known as I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. Oh, that Spencer and Heidi…
You can find the blog at realityroadkill.com.
So go ahead. Click already. No big whoop.
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June 5th, 2009
7287pwkr
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